Sunday, December 27, 2015

Life after Loss

It has now been almost 3 months since Matthew was born.

My journey through healing after his birth felt like a long one (I don't have anything to compare it to!), almost 2 weeks spent in bed with a week or two more before I felt like I could cook and care for the house by myself decently. My energy level took a long time to come up enough to do all of our normal activities.

In addition to our recovery from the birth we had to deal with grief and incredibly empty arms. I still greatly long to hold a newborn in my arms (anyone's newborn), so that I can feel that again but it looks like I will have to wait for my nephew to be born in April. That first week was so hard! I struggled with missing feeling Matthew moving inside of me, realizing that I was alone in my body again. Wanting to hold him and see him near me, but knowing that it could never happen was awful. As the weeks went by those feelings began to ease.

God has continued to be faithful to us, providing friends and family that cared for us and having people who had gone through similar things to talk to.

We were able to go see Matthew one last time the Friday after he was born so that we could place him in his casket. It was almost as hard as giving him up the first time. To see him, our first child who we love so much, for the last time.

A week and a half after his birth we buried him in a cemetery near us. This cemetery has a section called "Baby Land" where people can bury their infants and children. Matthew's grave is just one diagonal from the grave of my sister, Johanna, who my parents lost at 19 weeks when I was 1 1/2 years old. It was hard to watch my husband and dad place Matthew's casket in the grave. After the short ceremony we had a reception at Jon's parent house. It was a sweet time of seeing family together.

A Christmas ornament with some of Matthew's items
As these months have passed I am truly grateful that what I believe to be the worst of the grief has passed. Thinking about him and all that happened is still hard and I still cry about it, but it isn't nearly as often. Knowing that all of Matthew's life had a purpose and that God chose for his life to be that long/short helps me to be able to give him up. I do not feel bitter or angry at God and, though I miss him, I have peace knowing that he fulfilled the purpose God had for him.

Jon and I both wanted to have another little one as soon as God would allow. We prayed and hoped that it wouldn't be too long. God has answered our prayer and we are expecting again! I am due on August 14th, 2016. God blessed us with another little one only 6 weeks after losing Matthew.

I am only 7 1/2 weeks along, and though I am not afraid of the same diagnosis (it isn't very likely), I still have fears of something or anything happening to this baby. Please be praying that this pregnancy will go smoothly and that God would protect "ducky" as we call him or her (a character in the Land Before Time movies :) ) from danger. Please also pray that I would not be afraid or fall into worry.

We are praising God for this gift and can't wait to share him/her with the world! We will never forget Matthew but we are grateful that we will have other little ones to love on as we wanted to do with him.
5 weeks along, I still have left over pudge from Matthew :)


  1. So excited for this new Blessing. Congrats!

  2. So excited for you! Congratulations to you and Jon!


  3. Oh hugs, Jessica! I am so happy for you both. <3 And hey, you look good... that's NOT much 'pudge' after having recently had a baby! ;-)

    1. That was sucking it in all the way :) I feel like I look 3-4 months pregnant when I am relaxed/normal :)

  4. Congratulations! Your new baby is due on my bday, August 14th :)