Moments of weakness

People have been asking how I am doing. I am so thankful to have so many caring people around us!

We got a 4D ultrasound on Monday!

Most of the time I am doing great. Once we/I got through the initial shock and grief, life became normal again but with a new future. Most of the time (truly the majority of the time) I am emotionally stable and life goes on the same as it did before but busier.

Then there are days like yesterday. I was fine through the day (a very busy day) but as I headed to see Ali (the midwife) I realized that I had not felt Matthew move all day. I began to be afraid that he was gone. I prayed for grace to get through until she could use the Doppler to hear his heartbeat and that today would not be his last day. Thankfully once she put the Doppler on she got the heartbeat almost right away and he woke up and started to kick a bunch. She was even able to see his kicking on my belly! He continued to kick a lot the rest of the evening.

Close to bedtime Jon and I were sitting on the floor talking and I told him that Ali confirmed for me that for now (and probably a year or two) no midwifes will take VBAC patients. This is because each time there is a transfer, the hospital medical staff write them up and they have to be investigated and could lose their license (even though the family signed a paper saying they knew the risks). This decision totally makes sense, I would not want them to lose their job!

As I said this all of my fears of a C-section came back again. This is my first baby (who has a decent chance of needing a C-section) and I want to have lots of kids and home births! I am afraid of what that will mean for me! There is a good chance that if Matthew makes it to delivery alive he won't make it through labor and delivery without intervention. I love Matthew and want what is best for him but I am so afraid of the consequences of a C-section!

I began to cry and Jon came over and held me while I poured out all my fears and pain on him. I have the same questions everyone else has: Why me? Why does God ask for my biggest dreams? Why couldn't he have been perfect? Why couldn't it have been easy? Why couldn't we have miscarried? (Please understand that this is because at this point we only have a 50% chance of him living to birth and then only 10% chance of living to a year, it would have been easier to lose him earlier) Why can't the answers be easy? Why couldn't we have found out after the birth so we don't have to make these decisions? Why now?

All of these questions come from a weak and fearful heart. I am not perfect and can only rest in the knowledge that God has planned this, has made Matthew this way for a reason and has planned the best future for us and for his glory. Most of the time I can feel God's peace and grace around me but there are some times when I am weak and worn out that I lose track of God's truths and I begin to borrow on tomorrow's troubles.

As we go through this journey I am sure that these questions and fears will try to take hold again and I am sure that Jon has his own so please pray for us. Pray for trust in His will and for grace for each day. Pray for clarity during decision making. Please also pray for all the other families going through this. Some of them don't have Christ and are lost, I can't imagine how hard that must be.

God's grace is sufficient and he will provide. He always has and always will. I remember that most of the time but pray for me for the times when I don't.

If you are going through this, know that you are not alone, there are many that have come before you and many that will come after. God can and will carry you through and He has a plan. Pray for His wisdom.